CHRISTMAS 2024

 

Grandpa Don and his teenage grandchildren! Logan (The Nef!) and Lexi (Lil Sis!)

Christmas at Accolade, his nursing home in East Peoria

Love these two.

My favorite person.

Special t-shirt from Stormy!

Another Christmas visit at Accolade.

A sweet gift from Kristi in memory of Dan.

Nana and Papa Herzing with their grandsons, Nate, JD, Raine

So grown up..

THINGS

his aldi stocking cap. turquoise, orange, red, the logo, you know, completely obnoxious!

work boots still covered in dirt.

this travel pillow I bought for him when his neck hurt from having to sleep in chairs because laying flat in a bad was too painful.

a 24 oz jar of homemade tea by jess, aptly named the fuck cancer tea.

the waxahatchee vinyl. i don't know why but i didn't get into listening to them until after he died.

a bucket of coffee beans. i can inhale part of his smell.

the book from grant that he was about to read. "60 songs that explain the 90s."

his gray wool flat cap he got when he was in scotland with doug. 

his candy stash in the top kitchen corner cabinet. especially all the peeps he liked stale.

the elvis costello poster that wasn't my decor vibe so i never let him hang it up in our homes. lol.

a comb with beard hair still.

the wood block stamp for his japanese name he got in okinawa. "advancement," "worship."

his titanium wedding ring.

a cute narwhal card he wrote in and gave me for our last christmas together, unknowingly. 

    Wifey - Merry Christmas! We made it through another year. I know this time of year is hard, but just to let you know that hugs & snuggles are free and unlimited (to a point). I didn't get you any massage certificates, so maybe this $ can get you one or two. Or spend it anyway you would like. I just want you to get something that makes you feel good and happy. Can't wait to see our son's face when he opens his gifts. He is probably the best gift you ever gave to me. :) Love, Dan

rocks from the nestucca river in oregon where we spread his ashes.

all of these things to pack and take with me to our new home.

MONDAY BULLETS ON THURSDAY

Copied from May 14, 2024

To do:

• Play with Stormy (always)
• Meal plan - UGH
• Stop procrastinating packing for moving
• Visit my dad at the nursing home

Contemplating:

• How proud I am of Raine getting straight A's this term!
• Forever the Palestinians
• Ways to start writing again
• Holiday memories with my mother and Dan

Eating/Craving:

• Overnight soaked oats with chia seeds & yummy toppings
• Culver's
• Honeycombs
• BLATs
• Christmas cookies

Listening to:

• Chappell Roan, duh
• Christmas music -  Over the Rhine, Phoebe, Sufjan
• Classic rock radio
• NPR

Wearing:

• Those old school black leather el Naturalista boots - yay winter!
• My Slash t-shirt/Dan's cardigan/Sweatpants
• Constantly striped Smartwool socks
• Shearling winter birks

Addictions:

• Coffee and beer - the usual -
• Altoid winter mints (desk, car, purse stocked)
• My blanky, forever

Missing:

• Dan. Dan. Dan.
• My mother.
• All of my friends across the country

Making:

• Decisions... Travel, work, houses
• Meals. I am so bad at cooking.
• Pinterest boards - paint colors, tattoos, hair cuts...

Wish list:

• Tickets for trips with Raine
• Easy recipes
• The desire to shower!
• Garbage/recycling cans for the new house

OREGON COAST 2024

 

We've arrived! It's our special trip with Allyson and Eva! August 2024 <3

 

Fun in Cannon Beach and Rockaway Beach

Beach horseback riding!

Love these two.

Finding a feather means you are on the right path.

IF I VENTURED IN THE SLIPSTREAM

 

Could you find me?
Would you kiss-a my eyes?
To lay me down
In silence easy
To be born again

 

There you go, there you go
Standin' in the sun darlin'
With your arms behind you
And your eyes before
There you go
Takin' good care of your boy

 

And here I am
Standing in your sad arrest
Trying to do my very best
Lookin' straight at you
Comin' through, darlin'

I got a home on high
In another land
So far away
So far away
Way up in the heaven
In another time
In another place

||||||

8.11.24 

Spreading Ashes

~A Favorite Fishing Spot~

Nestucca River, Oregon

Thank you - Kevin, Art, Jay, Hattie, Doug,

Steve & Michelle, Char,  Rita, and Raine

Lyrics by Van Morrison - "Astral Weeks"

THREE MONTHS

 \\

HOW ARE YOU? \\ ?

    I feel very strong and positive. 

        I know that I will live in Dan's love forever.

I see myself and think. I am ::

\\ capable.

Tender.

    (loved) \ Resilient.

I also feel sick with grief. 

It is so   B  I   G  and achey

inside my chest.

I often whisper over and over, "Dan!"

 \\

HOW ARE YOU INSPIRED TO KEEP GOING

WHEN IT IS HARD? \\ ?

        

Honestly, there is so much sorrow in the world and I feel mine is a tiny speck within it all. 

I am not alone.

I'm inspired to help others - those who are suffering, 

who need hope.

And, Raine.

HOW IS RAINE DOING? \\ ?

\\ He is his father's son.

Their shared : qualities are showing when he comforts me--

    \\ kind, thoughtful, caring, quick wit, optimism. 

And after writing about Raine on this blog for the past 12 years,

I now know there is only so much I can share.

He is a young man now.

His own individual.

***

He desperately misses his father.

He takes it a day at a time.

***

\\\ I always knew losing his father would change him.

It has only made his heart bigger. //

 

TUCSON JUNE 2024

 

We went to the desert and it rained...

Thank you Randy, Taylor, Jack, and James for hosting us in our time of grief

and being there for us. We made special memories!

Best buds!

I lit candles for Dan and my mom at the historical San Xavier del Bac Mission.

Me and T.

Wine tasting at Charron Vineyards!

All of the readings....All of the magic.

Plenty of pool time.

And play time.