BIPOLAR DISORDER AND GRIEF

I went four weeks without showering. This wasn't even after Dan died, but instead, after his father died 18 months later.

It was depression but I refused to accept it. I had a lack of desiring self-care (and almost a stubborn sense of not treating myself well) and an anxiety about stepping into the shower and that sensory transition from being dry to getting wet. The longer it lasted, the more apathetic yet irritable I felt. There was no one hugging me and snuggling me in bed... No one to even notice my body odor beneath the deoderant and freshly laundered clothing. That lack of intimacy made Dan's absence feel so painful. 

I went into experiencing mixed states and that continued as I began to shower again. I was irritable and anxious, low and high, triggered to be extremely energetic around family and friends, and definitely buzzing on the ideas racing in my mind. I started shopping again and racked up more debt. I continued to drink every night to self-medicate. I also decided I had ADHD and that was the true diagnosis that explained everything. I went down a whirling rabbit hole of research and wild ideas. I told myself, I didn't have bipolar disorder! This always happens.

But I stayed on my meds and when I kept up with my psychiatrist, he tweaked my busperine and raised abilify, which ended up supporting me and I came into a better stable place.

It has been a long journey with this roller coaster. I grieve for my husband and partner who loved me and cared for me despite my disorder; who saw me for who I was and believed I was worthy of love and good things. He listened. He held me. He tried so hard to make me happy for twenty years. 

I live with guilt for realizing what it could have done to him. The worry and anxiety it caused him. There is no conversation to be had about it now. He is not here to experience the depth of my apology and see me strive to be better, make better choices, manage my life in a way that I never was able to and do the very best that I can being a mom, friend, sister, daughter, human being. I'm working full time and I've stayed at the same job for almost five years. I'm handling a house and yard, cooking, taking care of Stormy... all with shifting energy and moods every day.

I have only one voice recording from Dan. It is saved in my voice memos on my phone and I hope it never disappears. I only listen to it every once in a while so it stays sacred. So when I need a reminder, to keep at it, to find my self-confidence and not focus on stigmas and self-doubt, I listen. It was on my birthday three years ago. I was struggling with depression and we were out for drinks talking through it a bit. He took my phone and hit record. He told me "All of the experiences that you've had in your life are amazing and beautiful just like you."