Can a 36 Year Old Female Have a Heart Attack?

It isn’t common but the answer is yes. Did I think I was having a heart attack? Maybe. Did I actually have one? No.

This woman, at age 37, actually had a heart attack. Her symptoms were similar to mine. However, after I woke up in the middle of the night nauseous and with pressure in my chest, that feeling of discomfort remained for another 48 hours and worked its way into my neck and jaw. I tried to treat it like heartburn, and it occured to me that maybe I was developing GERD. I would have suspected a prolonged panic/anxiety attack, but in my previous experience they are accompanied by strong dissociation.

FYI. If you call to make an appointment to see your doctor, they will have to follow protocol at the mention of radiating chest pain and direct your to the ER.

So, I went. When they took my EKG and the nurses advised they’d be running back out to get me if need be, I went from doubting I was having a heart attack to believing I was absolutely having a heart attack. I went back to the waiting room and took lots of deep breaths and kept my eyes closed and listened to Agnes Obel’s Citizen of Glass on a tight loop with my headphones. It would make sense, right? I had gained 20 lbs. since we moved. I had a horrible diet–suddenly lots of meat and fried foods, and I was drinking alcohol like crazy. At least 3 beers a night. I had no excercise regimen like I had in Oregon.

But, the nurses didn’t run out to the waiting room for me in a crazy panic. In fact, I was still sitting in the waiting room when Dan arrived. I definitely knew it wasn’t serious. But now I had to stick it out and let them check me and rule out everything potentially serious. We were completely used to the way this went down. It would take hours. We made the most of it and joked about how we were experiencing a role reversal.

I have to say that my best luck was that HGTV was showing episodes of Fixer Upper, the most entertaining show regarding how to renovate and rebuild old homes. It is actually a show that Raine and I can cuddle and watch together. He loves it.

I wish I could tell you all WHAT the grand, sweeping, learning lesson was from this weird medical situation. All it did for me was point out that there is a lot that I need to attend to myself medically and I have to take it all as seriously as I do Dan’s medical issues.

That shit is hard to do. I inevitably run last in my own race of helping everyone across a winning line. I want Dan there; I want Raine there…I want everyone I love there.

So why is it so hard to get myself there?

Have you ever had a moment where you chose yourself?

Journaling || Roots, Interests, and Limitations

For making a big decision about how you are going to spend the majority of your minutes in a day, especially in such a way that you might be provided compensation for your time, I have always failed pretty miserably. I think too big, I think too small, I hop around with ideas, or I avoid thinking at all and keep with the status quo for fear of change.

My best advice is to go back to your root values and strongest interests, and then be really honest with yourself about your limitations.

That was my starting point when I searched for employment in Peoria last November. I took 2 hours of time for myself at a coffee shop and explored my thoughts regarding those principles. I didn’t go above and beyond, and wish mentally for anything more than what fit within those principles. I made lists. Then a spreadsheet. Then letters. I reached out and made contact. Then I moved on. I let the universe respond–but honestly I was too distracted with the business of life to even wait and bite my fingers. I considered my effort that afternoon to be the first in, at least, 10 afternoons.

A phone call came two hours later, then a 1 hour conversation followed. 24 hours later I had an in office interview. I could hardly catch my breath. I started a position with the Peoria Symphony Orchestra precisely two weeks later.

It has blessed me, in so many ways. It is not perfect, because no endeavor, relationship, or community is–but I commit every day to be grateful and enjoy what I am doing. I have been holding my brand new routines, friendships, and experiences dearly to my heart. It is all better than I could have ever expected. With the hospitalization and unexpected death of my mother the same week that I began work, it was either sink or swim. I could only choose to swim–and the current I could keep with. After all, these are the majority of my minutes in my days, so they need to keep me afloat.

Lovely Moments || St. Pat's Day '17

There were … leprechaun crafts, cookie making, pizza, hunting for leprechaun poop, stairway sledding, drawing, Curious George, orange mustaches, discovering pots of gold, and playing outside in the sun! 

Love these kids.

My Mother's Birthday

Missing her so much! I bought bouquets for Rachel and myself. She would have loved them.

The fam minus our sweet Mary.

Rachel picked up a cake to enjoy with Mary's friends who visited for the occasion.

Rachel, Linda, Don

Cheryl, Susan, Leah

Medical Update || Spring 2017

Hospital care, having Raine's bag and car seat ready to go for a sitter, dinner arriving in a box

The prelude to winter began with Dan’s hospitalization November 1st. I spent the day wrestling with my intuition that I needed a significant break–things were getting to be too much and I felt super fragile. I talked to the HR manager at work and decided to take a leave of absence for the month of November. I came home and told Dan, only to discover he was developing a fever. I needed to take him to the ER so my abrupt decision suddenly seemed genius. Honestly, I felt like I really couldn’t put a price on the relief I felt to not have to call in and get a shift covered for the next day at 7:00 a.m.

Millenium Park "Bean" photo by Dan

 Dan spent 8 months since April 2016 struggling with recurring episodes of cellulitis in his right leg every month. It wouldn’t have been so scary if it didn’t have the possibility of a deep layer infection (flesh-eating strep for example) or  overall damage to the lymphatic drainage system due to the chronic nature–especially because he has a slightly compromised immune system and he seemed resistant to certain antibiotics. So obviously it didn’t take much for me to get him to the ER at the very first sign of the infection. For crying out loud.

As fragile as I felt that day, you would never know it. I immediately go into autopilot when needed. I examined the leg, called the doctor, packed a hospital bag, woke up Raine and took him to Rachel, drove Dan to the ER, and helped communicate his symptoms, needs, history, and meds to the nurses. Then I stocked up on snacks and drinks that Dan likes and turned on Neflix on the laptop so he could watch something while we waited. I left just before they admitted him at 2 a.m. and returned home to sleep before picking up Raine and taking him to school in the morning. After that, I loaded up on caffeine and packed Raine’s babysitter bag, fed the pets, and returned to the hospital.

I’m not going to lie. I am still traumatized by the first few days of his symptoms, admission and transfer to the hospitals, and the devastating diagnosis we were given. I have a little nip of PTSD, and when I need to go to the hospital, or Dan makes a strange noise from another room in the house, or really, anything seems odd–I am on high alert. I think most of you who have experienced these sort of medical traumas or any other trauma due to death, military duty, natural disaster, or abuse can empathize. Our bodies sense that trigger and we can’t always predict how we will react. It all happens in our bodies so fast. So far, I get super competent and organized. (And then there is a disastrous aftermath where I eat too many cupcakes, cry for days and can’t leave my bed, or drink myself into an oblivion). Or my body releases adrenaline and I mentally have no idea what to do with it. There might be twitching, raging, or crying. Who knows?

Good times in Chicago with brother Doug and bestie Art

NOT TO BE SUCH A DEBBIE DOWNER.

Dan has had a pretty enjoyable winter. The cellulitis hasn’t returned for the past 3 months. He packs in a lot of fun into his schedule when he isn’t down and out after chemo rounds. He is taking full advantage of seeing friends who fly into Chicago, his brother and family, and friends here in central Illinois. Not to mention me and Raine–He gets a dose of us everyday and usually the pros outweigh the cons. Ha!

Also, every three months Dan has scans to monitor previous tumors and potential new ones–it initiates major scanxiety and it’s no joke. Recent bummer news and losses in the small NSCLC community we are a part of further discouraged us recently. However, upon the most recent review, March 1st, everything remains stable.

[High five!]

If you would like to be hands-on helpers, we now have a Caring Bridge account that lists tasks on a calendar as requests for help. Check it out. It’s in early stages but I’m trying to update it daily. My blog posts related to his condition will also be copied to that account.

Valentine's Day '17 Recap

How cute are these two???

While Dan rested over the weekend, Raine and I finally checked out the Peoria Riverfront Museum with our friends John, Kate, Marlena, and Penelope. It was a beautiful day so we also spent time playing at the park by the Riverplex, where there is a super cool zip line. Watching Raine and Marlena interact is such a joy. They play well together and I have waited so long to enjoy seeing Raine play with my best friends’ children.

Saturday night I was at the Peoria Symphony Orchestra’s concert Romance, with an after party in the lobby with a 10 piece swing band, dancing, and champagne until midnight (at least, for me). For locals, mark your calendar next Valentine’s Day for this event. It was so much fun! 

On Valentine’s Day, Dan surprised me by bringing me coffee at work. He also brought me two plants for my desk, and surprised me with another plant at home that evening. I maybe haven’t mentioned this since we moved? I am a freaky plant lady now. Where there was 1, there are now 17. And so far, I am keeping them all alive. I’m like a plant whisperer and I had no idea!

Valentine’s Day for Raine was very cute to watch. He decorated a used shipping box for his valentine mailbox at school. He also hand wrote every student’s name and signed his name to every valentine card. I was proud of his hard work and that he didn’t give up! He worked on a few every day for a week.

I did my best to spoil my boys with Valentine’s Day baskets full of their favorite treats. Dan surprised me by dedicating a song to me on Facebook. “She” by Elvis Costello, one of his favorites. It made him cry when he heard it recently. I cried, too.

All week I was reminded of our wedding vow renewal ceremony two years ago. If you had told me then that we would still be celebrating Valentine’s  Day together in two years, I would have cried. I also would have been skeptical that I could persist over the next two years and have the strength to get through everything as well as still be …. the enduring love and inspiration in Dan’s life.

The time stretched out ahead of me on Valentine’s Day in 2015 was trembling with uncertainty. I was training myself to embody We Only Have Today. We Only Have Today. It was terrifying, humbling, and life-changing.

This remains true. Every day. We are never guaranteed more than the moment we have. This is a piercing lesson after sudden loss, as I now grieve for my mother, as well as an unsteady path to have walked since an antagonist like cancer entered our story line. I am still learning the steps and the pace. I don’t expect to ever have it figured out. I just do my best.

I hope we all can. I also hope we can all extend some grace and love to one another as we try. 

Happy belated Valentine’s Day.

Lovely Moments || Emmylou + Robert Plant

On a whim, as I sometimes do when it comes to concerts, I bought tickets for myself and a friend to see The Milk Carton Kids at the Vic in Chicago. The exciting news was that it was a performance as part of a concert to raise funds for refugees and would also feature Emmylou Harris and friends. I could check Emmy off of my concert bucket list! Guests included Patti Griffin, Steve Earle, and Buddy Miller as well as Emmylou’s special guest, Ruby Amanfu.

As with anything I plan ahead, and especially if it involves travel, I commit myself while completely thrilled about the idea of it, and then the week of the event, I am desperate to get out of it. There are many times that I have actually become sick just beforehand and it’s almost like I manifest my illness in stubborn protest of my own plans. It is a terrible combination of grandiose ideas about what I would like to do, uncontrolled impulses to buy tickets or make plans with others, and then extreme anxiety about actually going–doing anything outside of my normal routine.

The week leading up to the concert, my anxiety was terrible. My friend wasn’t able to go and I used the excuse to bail. Dan couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go, especially when I had spent money on tickets. He offered up ideas for who I could take with me but I refused. I had made up my mind and relished the sense of relief I felt.

Days before the concert, it was announced that Patti Griffin would not be able to attend…and Robert Plant would be taking her place. I came home from work Wednesday to find out Dan had taken care of everything and was taking me no matter what. His plan was to drive up Thursday afternoon, deposit Raine with Jim and Char in Romeoville, drive into the city for the concert, drive back to the suburbs, move our sleeping son from his bed to the car seat, and drive home. We would be home at approximately 3 a.m. He insisted that he could do it, and drive, despite having had chemo 1 week prior. I thought he had found my manic kool-aid and drank the whole barrel.

Of course, we did it. The chance to be in the same room as Robert Plant can make you do crazy things. When Dan and I started dating, we bonded quickly over music and especially Led Zeppelin. Going to California always reminds me of when I took a trip to California with Amy. I had only been dating Dan for two months but I thought about him the entire time. Nothing became more clear to me so quickly as the realization while I was in California that I was falling in love with Dan. The feeling was mutual because he proposed five months later.

Plant performed Going to California.

Beyond that—I will always remember that concert for so many reasons. I really enjoyed every moment and took everything in–walking through our old Lakeview neighborhood and sharing memories, holding Dan’s hand and paying attention to his vertigo while we navigated the line outside in the dark night and then the stairs inside the venue, the satisfying taste of the Daisy Cutter pale ale by Chicago brewery Half Acre, the carved wooden architectural features in the theater, the intimate, warm room full of so much anticipation before the show started.

I enjoyed every song by The Milk Carton Kids. They have that Simon & Garfunkel quality that I enjoy in their guitar work and harmonies. They also provided most of the humor for the night as they made humble jokes about their unusual inclusion in such a grand line-up. Hearing Emmylou live was everything I hoped it could be. Much like hearing Karin Bergquist’s vocals in person–they strike a trustworthy chord deep inside me that I have relied on so many times throughout my life. The moment I found most poignant and stunning was Emmylou’s My Name is Emmitt Till, a staggeringly sad song about the boy from Chicago who was brutally murdered in 1955.  The men who committed the hate crime were not held accountable, let alone punished. Emmylou spoke of the current times and how racial violence remains an unjust cycle of loss in our African American communities. Her audience was a room almost nearly full of white, probably wealthy, maybe middle aged or older folks, and I couldn’t help but feel like the song and her thoughtful introduction fell on sleeping ears. I wanted to see everyone rise up! I could not see a spark. But it was a contemplative song, not a rallying cry. I can only hope sparks were born and honestly felt within. I didn’t stand up and cheer, but I do think about Emmett all the time-especially with recent news about Till in the Tribune.

I think of all of our modern Emmett Tills. And I think about modern children like Ruby. She emigrated as a toddler with her family to Nashville from Accra, Ghana. I think about what she shares as her best advice:  Invite an immigrant individual or their family for a meal. Love on them. They are afraid at every turn and every corner that their lives could change.  Volunteer at soup kitchens, safe houses, missions. If anything, begin to care.

To make a long story short—I am so very grateful for my choice made on a whim AND for my sweet husband who pushed me out the door. Life surprises you and often you learn lessons you never expected.