THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MOVING ON

 

Denver || 9.5.25

I have tried. Not with great intention, but rather aimlessly. It might be enough for some of you to say Yes, there is such a thing. You are doing it. Look at you go.

It doesn't feel like it, really, when I think of him constantly. When I wake, when I see the prisms around the house, or spot the birds in flight moving together in sweeping shapes in the sky, when I hear a song that I swear is meant for me from him, feeling a lazy wind through the trees... I try to imagine what it would be like if he was there in these things and signaling mystically to me. I'm distracted by this all day long every day.

I bear this loss like I did the weight of his cancer. Only that burden came with relief (as devastating as it was at the same time--the pressure did release and then I was left with nothing). This weight of loss with his death just doesn't come with relief. It will never be complete. If "free" is a goal, I don't think I can expect a day in the future other than my own moment of leaving this world when I will feel free.

In the meantime, I keep showing up. I do the things. I try. If you want to call that moving on, I guess you can. For me it is pure fight vs. flight and survival of the fittest and sometimes my mind isn't the most strong, fast, or wise. Again, I don't know what I'm doing, so let us just say there is no such thing.

For my own sanity, though, let's talk about what I have done while drifting aimlessly. For my own memory and to leave to Raine. What all of this is like.

Last September, I traveled alone for the first time. 

First I went to Denver. While Hattie was at work, I was alone in her apartment. The loneliness even in a different place made me cry. It almost hurt more than at home--which was already a messy composition of what felt like very raw pain and exasperation every night sitting on the couch and staring around the room, looking for Dan. 

He would have loved that I ventured out on my own finally and wandered through a farmer's market. I felt keenly aware of my singleness as I watched pairs of people and families bustling through the park. I had coffee and a killer breakfast sandwich, ooohed and ahhhed at booths full of plants, vegetables, jams, spirits, and art. Then I sat for a long time watching everyone.

I visited my favorite bookstore, quietly approving books as I peered at stacks of them on display tables or those lined up on the shelves with paper notes of recommendations by staff. I intuited my selection and later documented them with joy. My travel tote was heavier than I wanted, but it felt good. Books console me with their possibility for what I can feel and learn. 

And yet, Where was he for me to call and tell him about Andrea, and their books of poetry, and how they had passed, too, leaving their partner, but they left us all so many holy poems to just read and breathe in? And about the way I wrinkled my nose at the beautiful mushrooms or renewed my vow to take care of house plants, or.... or! The taste of the handmade mochi filled with black sesame cream, a layer of red velvet cake, and a dusting of black sesame powder? How adventurous was I? 

I COULD IMAGINE HIM BEAMING.

Saturday night we went to Red Rocks. I got to see Brandi again, this time with Hattie. I would have tried to describe the moon to him. How my heart dropped to the bottom of my toes at her cover of Everybody Hurts. I would have told him about the new songs she did. Her new album was coming out soon and he would never hear it.. It was always disorienting when I would realize that---because Dan always had the newest music, in almost every genre, dialed up and playing on his earbuds every morning during his walks. 

Did he see us pass the racoon eating popcorn as we left? Did he hear Hattie and I laugh the whole way back to Denver on the funny little school bus with our free beers and hearts so full of love and light? 

Milwaukee || 9.27.25

Then, back in the Midwest, I took a road trip alone. To Milwaukee. To a wedding.

I stayed at a fancy hotel and I tried to look fancy. I hadn't paid much attention to myself in the last year... No need to have chin hairs plucked or hair color died, a small waist, or painted toe nails for doctor's offices and hospital hallways. I also didn't feel like Dan needed me to be anything other than what I was typically--which I considered somewhat attractive? But I felt overweight and always looked tired. I was sure I looked cute giggling at his dance moves, though. Now I had to look at myself straight on and do my best to feel confident without my biggest cheerleader there to kiss me.

To say I cried is an understatement. I cried silently for an entire Catholic wedding, in the beautiful Old Saint Mary Church, with beautiful Molly walking down the aisle to her beautiful groom Tom. I cried with the stand-ups and sit-downs, the thoughts for those who aren't with us, and the peace-be-with-you and also-with-you each person gave to the other, and all the elements that go with the whole sacramental liturgy. I just cried.

Memories of our wedding, of our first date which was at a wedding, of our second date which was at a wedding, well, yes, many wedding memories to make me cry. But also, just the absent seat next to me in the pew, and his missing hand for me to hold. It didn't take much.

At the reception, I gave it my all. I braved the dance floor with In Da Club and Pink Pony Club and other clubs...with strangers. I had a lovely meal in the dining hall with a family I didn't know. And the bar was fun, with good ol' Midwest drunken strangers, who I just couldn't even really muster up much conversation with. I didn't feel perky and interested in other people. I felt devestated to not have my tall, handsome husband with me, with his hand at my back, and his whispers in my ear. 

I got very drunk. Not so drunk that I couldn't walk, but I know I had more than my fair share of the cute little drink appetizers--that waiter knew where to find me--a little 7 oz. bottle of Miller High Life with a deviled egg, ham, cheese, and pickle skewer. A few Miller Lites to follow...I just sat silently at one point. I rode in another bus back to the hotel, this time without Hattie and her laughter and a heart so full. I arrived at the hotel with the same thing I left it with--my singlehood. My widowness. My awkward existence.

My saving grace, I feel like, was that Molly had my presence, my support, and my deepest love for her and her future with Tom. It was my gift to her to be there! And I also took great effort to give them a thoughtful gift that would have been picked out by Dan and me; vinyl. Some of our beloved records. Mine, Over the Rhine Drunkard's Prayer, and his, the sea and cake the fawn. I wrapped them carefully because of my tears.

I like to think of Dan watching Molly and Tom as they open the present, and listen to the records. That's how he lives on, right? So I guess if I keep going, it is him living on also.

I can do that. Look at me go.

Lovely Gifts || Christmas 2019

Gift giving is my favorite time of year, any time of the year! Here are a few gifts the Herzing 3 gave to one another ...

Lovely Gifts || Fingerprint Necklace

I found these necklace kits by Precious Metal Prints the day of my mother's funeral while I was obviously stalling by shopping ... So my sister and I each had an imprint made and now have necklaces. It is a special gift to carry a loved one's print with you or keep stored to pass on.

I found it most difficult to let go of my mother's hands. This helped.

Je ne sais pas où va mon chemin mais je sais que je marche mieux quand ma main serre la tienne. – Alfred de Musset

"I do not know where my path is going, but I know that I walk better when my hand holds yours."

Young Cancer Family Starts Gift Business - We Need Your Help!

{Medical Update: Dan’s shoulder replacement surgery was successful! He is such a rock star; he was sent home the following morning. Like, 24 hours later–In a giant hospital t-shirt that said “get moving,” super tight scrub pants, and no shoes. Clearly, I was not prepared with an overnight bag. He started physical therapy after two weeks of resting and is driving, cooking, and managing his pain well. We are keeping a close watch on his edema for signs of infection but so far so good!}

I developed this little hobby of making gift boxes full of wonderful goodies. I pretended it was a real business and gave it a name, complete branding with developed collections, a web site, and social media accounts (because, you know, I have to go big). I tested the market and the response was actually great! In a few weeks, I have shipped six orders and hand delivered ten. Every week I have had a new client. Not bad for making it all up as I go along.

The inspiration for my hobby was a talented designer with a similar aesthetic doing gift boxes in Portland. I watched her on Instagram for FIVE years, awe-inspired (and jealous) as she took her project from working in her garage to a studio in the city. My innate inspiration is a devotion to giving to others. I actually made my first gift box when I was five –crafted from an old bank check box– and filled it with colorings, love notes, and wrapped it with tracing paper (probably covered in hearts). I made my best friend, Allyson, deliver it for me because I was too shy. It is a great joy for me to build beautiful designs today with the same creativity and affection as I did as a child!

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Because we have a peculiar situation with being a young family living with incurable cancer (yikes! ugh), there are benefits and challenges to starting a business.

The benefit (Yes! There actually is one!) is that Dan became eligible for disability income when he was diagnosed. He started to receive this income when we moved to Illinois and it enabled him to be a stay-at-home dad while receiving a modest income to provide for his family. Because he is a stay-at-home dad, I became a stay-at-home wife! I go to all of his doctor appointments and we hang out a lot. Because I will never look back and regret spending so much time with him. Right? You only live once. So then, the two of us can easily run our business from home, and renting and sharing a house with Grandpa Don (part of adjusting to our income) also gives us a huge garage for storage and equipment. And we get Grandpa Don, who crafts boxes for us and teaches me!!!

The challenge? To be honest, two years after his diagnosis, we filed bankruptcy. Without the excellent credit we previously had, we are unable to get a start-up loan. We have put what few pennies we could into developing our initial gift box designs and marketing them to get our initial clients. Now we are at an impasse. We need a significant sum to take us the next step forward–to making a profit that can be put back into the business so it can grow. As it grows, it will provide a steady income for our family. The current next step involves basic goals — being able to register as a business, purchase significant inventory, set-up e-commerce on our web site, improve our woodworking equipment, and print business cards.

Our goals can be reached because of Kickstarter. Please help our family on Kickstarter!

Kickstarter enables creative entrepeneurs to garner funding to establish their product or business from a community of small and large donors. It is an online service similar to GoFundMe, that allows users to contribute money. However, in this scenario, we are set up for a 30 day campaign and are only accepting pledges because your credit card is not charged unless we reach our goal – $15,000 – by our deadline – April 1st.

And we reward every level pledged! When we reach our goal, you will have helped AND you will get a reward from us! Pledges start at $5 and reach $300. Every pledge receives a gift. Please join the amazing backers we have so far!

Please help our family on Kickstarter!

Lovely Gifts || Eva's 1st Birthday

little monkey!

2016 gave us the opportunity to celebrate the loveliest little munchkin’s first birthday, Miss Eva Caroline!

Raine and I put together a birthday package for her in September; a colorful combination of handmade art, expensive apparel, and hand-me-down toys and book. Then we got to hold her, hug her, and try to keep up with her during our trip to Colorado after Thanksgiving.

Oh, the sweetness! Thinking of her makes me so happy.

LOVELY GIFTS || richard scarry illustrated board book | hand-me-down wooden cars & truck | hand-me-downs hape rainbow double stacker and rainbow push & pull toy (not pictured) | rifle paper co. card | oeuf kitty top | ouef trouser (similar) | keen boots (similar)

***

In the car, we sat in the back seat with her and sang songs. She especially liked Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. and mealtime was all about mac and cheese!

Sweet family!

Lovely Gifts || A Yearbook + Donation

A formal blog Thank You is in order for this lovely gift we received last month. Classmates that attended the 20th year reunion signed a yearbook with messages to Dan and donated money toward our trip to Disneyland. The donation made a significant difference and the heartfelt messages were encouraging. A classmate also donated a prize she won, an Amazon gift card, which we will use to get Raine a special present from Santa next month! Dan was so honored that his classmates were thinking of him. We both got choked up when we heard the news. Acts of generosity and kindness like this mean more to us than anyone could ever know.

Dan wrote his classmates after our trip on the Facebook group page:

I just wanted to thank everyone that donated to our travel fund and signed the yearbook. We had an amazing time, and I kept thinking about how many of you helped out. The kindness and generosity was nothing short of amazing! So glad to have been a part of many of your lives. Quality bunch we have here!

Thank you, Lemont High School Class of 1995. Thank you.

Father's Day 2015 || Dan's Thoughts

My favorite part of Father’s Day this year was sitting outside the tasting room at ArborBrook Vineyards with my wife, son, and our friends, the Timmen family. It was a beautiful sunny day with good conversation and a really nice cheese plate. There were also some very sweet cards from Leah and Raine, and just prior to Father’s Day, Leah bought me some nice clothes to update my look (which was basically my look since high school). {Editor’s note: I didn’t update his look, I just improved upon it with quality and fit.  }

Sometimes I think of Father’s Day as: “Well, we have Mother’s Day, so I guess we should have a day for dads too.”  We all know that moms do all of the work and SHOULD have a day that celebrates how awesome they are. Dads are just dads! But we do have responsibilities. We are here to provide, teach, discipline, get dirty, wrestle, be role models, and love our children.

Having my diagnosis, I can’t run around with my son for too long, I spend a lot of time at the doctor, and I feel some days I am not giving him enough. I try my best to work around my shortcomings and do the best for Raine that I can, but in the back of my mind, I feel like I have failed him a little bit; I feel like he doesn’t have a dad that is 100% there. He is not old enough to know that yet, but he will know sooner than later. He is growing up so fast, and soon he will want to know exactly what is going on with daddy and his doctors. But until that day, he is just my little buddy who loves to play “Slips and Ladders” and “hide and seek” with his Daddy.

I think all dads should be like mine is in my life. He is compassionate, patient, stoic, loyal, friendly, creative, and funny. I don’t think I (or my brother) would be the type of men that we are without him as our role model. I hope I get the chance to do the same for my son. I am hoping for a decade or more of Father’s Days. I am hoping to see my little boy grow up to be a man. I hope to instill all of the traits my dad instilled in me to my son. If I can do that, and then if one day my son becomes a father, I will feel like I did my job in the circle of life.

I may not have the chance to get there, but I do have hope and a family that loves me, so that is the best thing a dad could ask for.  That…..and a special beer for Father’s Day! 

Do you like reading Dan’s point of view? Please leave a comment to encourage him! I would love to have him guest post regularly!