Saturday, September 5, 2020


Hobbes (Hobez) Palau Herzing

my best furry friend for half of my life!

march 2002 - september 2020

I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Hobbes. He has been with me and been my best friend since I was 21. 

He has had issues with his thyroid and kidneys so I took him for a routine blood test last week and the vet surprised me with an assessment of his quality of life that wasn't fair. I was like, Poor quality of life!?!? I didn't see it. 

Isn't that what happens though? We only see what we want to see.

I hadn't seen the last six months of Hobbes losing weight (and he had nothing he could spare), walking awkwardly, sleeping more, and what I couldn't actually see--severe dehydration. At the appointment last week, they gave him fluids to make him more comfortable and left it up to me to decide when to bring him in and say goodbye.

I decided I would give it one week. That week went by too quickly.

The night before, we had some of our special couch time and Dan gave him some ice cream before bed. I took a video of him and some pictures. Wednesday the 2nd was a normal day with him sleeping in his spot in the laundry room. He also had a little more couch time in my lap, which was the most I could ask for. We took some photos with him and Raine gave him a "final" pet.

I put Hobbes in his crate when the time came. Of course I burst into tears at the realization that he wouldn't be coming back home with me. Dan offered to take him but I truly felt it needed to be me.

I did have Dan drive me, and he and Raine played outside while I took Hobbes inside. Despite COVID, they were allowing pet owners in the building for occasions such as this. I signed a statement and waited.

In a very small room with just a counter covered with a comfy blanket, the vet took Hobbes out of his crate and laid him on his side. I scratched is ears and rubbed his neck and head while the vet assistant stroked his back. The vet shaved a little space on his back leg and then inserted a syringe in his vein. He growled a little at the prick but didn't fight it. I kept massaging his neck and shoulders, petting his head, waiting. There was a noticable difference within a minute. His entire body was relaxed. The vet assistant left the room and the vet listened for a heartbeat. 

He told me, "He is gone."


baby kitten

recovered from his fall off the balcony of our condo in sherwood,
circa 2008

hating vegetables in our garden in carlton--really 
coming into his own as a grumpy elderly cat

an occasional truce with rocco

The vet left the room and I ugly cried into my mask, sobbing a little, and buried my face in Hobbes' fur. I told him I was so very sorry, that I was doing what was best for him. I told him he needed to find Grandma Mary and she would take care of him.

For the first time in 20 years, I thought maybe I could believe in God again just so I could think of Hobbes in a type of heaven.

When I walked out to the car, the vet assistant brought the carrier outside for me. It was empty so Raine asked, "Where is Hobbes?" He thought about it for a second and then remembered. He would prove to be nonchalant regarding the event, but his true concern was mommy being sad. He checked in on me throughout the day, asking why I was still sad, and even in the days to come he would provide extra hugs or offer to lay in my lap and meow.

It has been only 3 days since I said goodbye and I am really having a hard time. I think about the moment he left me and wish that I could take it back or change it. While this is nothing new to me--It is still hard to grasp the finality of death. I am quite grateful that Dan took care of getting rid of all of Hobbes' things because it was too hard for me. I know everything gets muted by time, so I find myself wishing time would speed up. For those of you who have lost a pet, I get it. Especially if you had to euthanize them. It is so painful! They truly become our friends and family. No one should feel ashamed to properly grieve and give it time. I hope my little family will be patient with me!

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